who we used to be + pen15
musing on change and growth and rage
Howdy friends,
It’s been another week of hell here in the great US of A. Leadership in Louisville, Kentucky set a curfew and shut the city down in preparation for the grand jury announcement that the officers responsible for killing Breonna Taylor back in March would not be charged or indicted for her death, and were in fact only found at fault for shooting rounds into other apartments. Predictably, protests were organized all over the country and blameful rhetoric and violence continues to be deployed against protestors, who, if I might remind you, dear reader, would not be out in the streets filled with such anger if police had not killed an innocent woman in her own home after raiding the wrong apartment.
I also started watching Pen15 and got to thinking about those awkward middle school years, who I was then, and how those experiences helped shape who I am now.
Pen15 is a Hulu original comedy web series created by and starring Maya Erskine and Anna Konkle as their thirteen year old selves, best friends trying to get through middle school together. The pair are surrounded by child actors, real thirteen year olds, which adds to the cringey comedy style. Maya and Anna appear wildly out of place in nearly every scene, which suits their characterization as a pair of outcasts in a strange new world. Pen15’s second season just dropped, but having missed the boat before I was coming in fresh from the beginning.
Watching the show immediately took me back to that uncomfortable time, which brings a mix of emotions. There is a comfort in knowing there is something universal about the awkwardness of our middle school years, but there is also a bit of sadness that so many of us had these experiences of feeling afraid or ashamed of being yourself—what we wanted most was to just be like everyone else, to disappear into the crowd.
I was what you might call a precocious child. I loved reading from a young age, was very theatrical and imaginative, and my exuberance about all the things I loved poured out of me freely until it became clear that wasn’t “cool” anymore. I cringed with recognition at the episode of Pen15 where Maya and Anna play with dolls together and then, when their pasttime is revealed at school and their fellow classmates loudly mock them, Anna is hurt and confused by Maya’s sudden disinterest in their favorite game. Many times I felt left behind by friends as they grew up and lost interest in childhood things, or became obsessed with appearances and sex when puberty hit. But I chipped away at myself too; I learned how to dial some things back, not wear my heart on my sleeve so much, leave the nerdy conversations to friends I could trust.
In many ways, as I’ve gotten older, I have continued to chip away at the more passionate side of myself. I have shrunk to accommodate the space others think I should take up out of a sense of obligation to fit in, get with the program, not make waves. In some ways, this has been self-preservation. Sharing my political opinions or creative feedback has often exposed me to aggression and willful ignorance, and constantly engaging with that can be stressful and draining. Rather than use up all my energy on it, I have scaled back. Kept quieter. Limited those conversations to people I know I can trust. And yet…
In these tumultuous times, more and more I feel a responsibility to not forget to honor my middle school self even as I learn and grow. I am loud, dramatic, deeply nerdy, opinionated, goofy, and embarrassing. It’s important to know when to hold back and when to unleash the full potential of these traits, but to cover them up completely for the sake of being just like everyone else no longer feels like the best goal. If we can’t be true to ourselves, dream big, and do the things we never dared in middle school, then what’s the point, really? If not now, when it feels like the world is burning all around us, when?
But What Happened On Twitter This Week?
Ruth Bader Ginsburg died and that sucked.
Demi Adejuyigbe did his 5th annual September 21st video, and the fundraiser attached to it benefitting various charities across the country raised over $300,000.
The New Statesman published an interview with Judith Butler in which Butler absolutely eviscerates trans exclusionary radical feminist (TERF) rhetoric and basically said TRANS RIGHTS as academically and professionally as possible.
As mentioned up top, protests erupted after the grand jury decision on Breonna Taylor’s killing and protestors continue to be unfairly targeted and arrested, please consider donating to the Louisville community bail fund, or funds in your own local community if you can.
Again, please god make sure you are registered to vote, get your vote in early and safe, and also lend support however you can to the protestors and demonstrators out in the streets demanding justice.
Stay safe and keep pushing, friends
<3 Elyse